To start off I just want to say that mental health isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Saying this I have been putting off writing about this because I felt like I shouldn’t be struggling or complaining about how hard I’m finding things lately. However, after talking to a few other people and receiving some messages from you lovely reader telling me how by me sharing it has helped you I knew talking about it was the right thing. So here it is, there may not be a rhythm to this post but I’m just gonna blur everything and hopefully, it helps me and some of you.
Lately, I have felt like I’m drowning and just can’t catch a breath. It’s not just 1 thing it’s a collection of everything I think. If you know us you will know we are huge family people and before COVID we would see our family at least every 4 weeks. We obviously haven’t been able to do that for the past year and the last time we saw them was October. We haven’t been able to meet our newest niece L and just spend time with family in general. It sucks but I’m a big girl I honestly thought I would be fine but the longer it is the more it’s getting me down. I miss just sitting in the living room with my parents or at the table with my in-laws. We were talking about hoping to book a weekend getaway this year but I will honestly be so happy with a weekend in Essex with family.
Then there is this Lockdown and everything that comes with that. As I have said I am well aware Baby bear is classed as a key worker child but we want him home. This being said it is hard bloody work, solely for the fact myself and daddy bear are still working and Baby bear has lost interest and motivation in it all together. I’m hoping this week off will act as a reset for him and it will be easier when school starts up again. It would be easier if I was home with him but I love my job and I need to be there. Daddy bear does his best on the days I’m home but 1 he doesn’t have the training I have (yes I know not every parent is a childcare worker but out of us 2 I am) and 2 he is still holding down a full-time job. I’ve lost track of how many times I have sat crying at the end of the day because I feel like I’m letting my child down. I’ve said this before and I hate to admit it but I have to be 100% all day at work with other people’s children that when I get home to my own I am mentally and physically drained so he misses out.
Feeling like this also doesn’t help when it comes to the housework and upkeep of the house either. Daddy bear has been amazing in making sure the kitchen is kept clean and things are somewhat picked up around the house. However, things like washing, hovering, and cleaning are my responsibility (I better at doing these jobs). However, when I come in from work the last thing I want to do is tidy the house. I come in get changed spend a little time with Baby bear while Daddy bear catches up on work he hasn’t been able to get done then its times for dinner, bath, and bed. Once Baby bear is in bed I do the odd bit but nothing much before I’m in bed by 9.
I have shared on here before that Daddy bear has a small business he has started called All Out Printing so he is busy working hard on that. I just want to state I am so proud of him and support him 100% but it’s hard because he’s busy a lot of the time. He is also starting another business up with a business partner so he has a lot of meeting calls for that too so I am alone a lot which anyone would find shitty and affect your mental health. Especially when you come from a large family and grew up used to always having someone around. But it isn’t anyone’s fault and you have to give before you can receive in the world of business so times will only get better.
Then there’s one of the best things affecting my mental health and you can already probably guess as it’s a huge part of our lives at the moment. But that is everything with our infertility journey. I have shared everything to date so if you want to know our story here is the link to it all – Pregnancy&Loss but we have an appointment coming up next week which as always the closer it’s getting the more nervous and anxious I’m getting. I hate the unknown and with this being such a big part of our story at the moment it’s hard to switch off from it. I know we will be okay whatever is said and happens but its nerve-racking.
I must admit though planning the wedding and having that to look forward to and submerse myself in has been helping. Don’t get me wrong it is hard to plan aspects of it because of COVID at the moment but what we have been able to plan so far I am loving. I can’t wait to marry the idiot I love.
Anyway, thank you if you got this far its been a bit of a rembling, here there, and everywhere kind of post but writing helps me get things off my chest and as I said at the start hopefully it helps you feel like you’re not alone if your struggling with your mental health at the moment. Please remember my inbox is always open if you want a chat or just someone to listen. You’re not alone. Love you all x