We are meant to be meeting you this month. Daddy and I should be counting down the days till my Due Date but instead, we are sitting here with empty arms and an empty womb. We couldn’t wait to meet you, we had already started planning what our life would be with you in our arms. Your big brother was starting to understand you were in mummas belly growing…
But it wasn’t meant to be. You was just to perfect to be here with us.
I thought I might feel a little off this month but after our 3rd miscarriage last month it has really knocked me. I was doing so well I was able to talk about everything we had been through without breaking down every time. Then our worst nightmare happened again and now I’m back to feeling broken. I wasn’t going to make a post about this but I want to write my feeling down. Not only for me but for any other lost mummas out there. It can be such a lonely place to be when you feel like your the only one in the world feeling like this
It hard to look around at our home that should be filled with baby things awaiting your arrival, the spare room should be your big brothers now and his room should be your nursery. But nothing has changed, we aren’t making it your home to.
Seeing other people getting ready to welcome their little ones into their arms has never been so hard. As much as I’m happy for them it’s just that constant reminder of what could have been… what should have been for us. I can’t shake the feeling of ‘that should be us’, and I feel like the worst person ever to even be thinking that but I just can’t seem to help it. I wouldn’t wish anyone to loose their baby and I’m not saying that but I am jealous, I want it to be my turn. I want the chance to finally meet my baby.
People have asked why I share our story, why I keep writing about our loses. The answer I have is I’m proud of my children and want to talk about them and share them with the world whether I get to hold them or not they are all my children. I think the bit people struggle with the most really is the fact we have Baby bear so we should be happy and just move on enjoying him. Which we do, I am so grateful and thankful that we have him and I get to watch him grow up and be his mummy but that doesn’t change the fact that he is a big brother. Not just for me but also for anyone else out there going through the heartbreak we have been through. I found comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone so if I can give someone else that little bit of comfort then I will.
I have vowed I never want to feel that pain again. Hopefully, once we have had the tests done the hospital will give us some answers. It sounds so strange, (I know I sound crazy but hear me out…) but I’ve never wanted there to be something wrong with me so much before. Only because if they find something wrong then they can hopefully fix it or give us help so we can have another baby. I honestly don’t think I could cope if they tell me after all the tests they can’t find anything wrong with me and they don’t know why I keep miscarrying. None of it makes sense to me, I had a healthy baby I carried to term that I fell pregnant with by accident. But now we are trying and ready to grow our family we keep losing our babies.
I don’t know what the future holds for us and I don’t know if we will ever be pregnant again. If we don’t then we will go ahead with our plans to adopt and of course we will love that child. I just know in myself I’m not finished being pregnant yet, I want to be pregnant at least one more time. I want to grow my baby inside me, feel them wiggle, kick and move around. I just hope I get that chance again one day. Until then I will love my little boy and try to keep hope.