As you may know, if you have been following our TTC journey we have been trying for baby number 2 for 2 years now. After falling completely unplanned with Baby bear we naively thought having our second baby would be no issue at all. Even though we weren’t “trying” we weren’t preventing either for the first year of Baby bears life. It was only once Baby bear had turned a year old we decided we would like to grow our family and we would start trying for our second baby. We were full of hope, excitement, and positivity. It was going to work. Unlike that ‘giving up’ feeling I get sometimes now.
We never even planned for Baby bear so I was completely new to all of this TTC stuff. I had no ideas there were apps, tests, do’s and don’ts for trying to conceive. I just thought you had unprotected sex and got pregnant. Works out there’s a lot more to it most of the time. I found as the time goes on I naturally start to wonder why it isn’t happening but I didn’t say anything to anyone, I felt silly for worrying, to be honest. You always hear people say if you just stop worrying it will happen and no one I knew at the time had struggled to have a baby so why should we. We had no issue with Baby bear, why would we with our next.
This is the thing I have found with Infertility, Fertility issues, and Miscarriage. No one talks about it, it’s just something that is kept quiet and brushed under the carpet to be dealt with behind closed door privately, but as I have found that isn’t helpful. It feels like the loneliest place and you feel like no one understands or knows how it feels but that’s not true. No one ever talks about wanting to give up, feeling like giving up is the only option left.
It wasn’t till after around a year of trying with nothing that I decided to do a little more research into what could be going on. It was the first time I really spoke to Daddy bear about my worries to. I had mentioned things here and there but nothing major. After speaking to him and looking online I decided to give some tracking apps a go. I’ve spoken about what ones I use in my top tips for falling pregnant post. After 2 months off just using them, we found out we were pregnant. That was it, we were having our second baby. We never even thought for a slight second we would miscarry. Why would we, we had a completely normal healthy pregnancy with Baby Bear? We decided to keep it our secret until we had our first scan so we could take cute announcement photos but it wasn’t to be.
We had no idea what was going on but it just confirmed how much we wanted a second baby. I wasn’t going to give up, it wouldn’t happen again. How wrong could I have been? I started to lose hope and excitement, no matter how hard I tried not to.
After a few more months we fell again, this time I didn’t want to wait to tell everyone. I think once you’ve had a miscarriage it plans a seed of worry in you. I didn’t want to go through it again alone so after everything happened at the hospital we decided to announce but again we lost a second baby. By this point, there was a fear in me. I started to be scared to take a test in my period was late. We had started trying other things to try and help us fall pregnant and stay pregnant but it happened again. We lost another baby. Again, I lost a little more faith, positivity, and excitement.
3 miscarriages, and now seeing a fertility specialist. I am petrified of falling pregnant and losing another baby. I don’t know how much more I can take. Sitting in tears every time I get my period. I have lost the excitement that comes with trying for a baby. I’m not positive anymore. I’m broken. I feel like giving up but then I see someone pregnant or someone with a baby or even a family with more than 1 child and it reminds me why I’m doing all this but it doesn’t take that feeling of disappointment, fear and wanting to give up away.
It’s hard not to feel like giving up like it will never happen but you have to try and stay even a little positive or what’s the point? If you aren’t on your team rotting for you then why should anyone else?
I don’t normally talk about any disagreements I and Daddy bear have but I think it will help anyone reading this who are in the same place as us. After our appointment, I couldn’t help but feel like giving up. I didn’t want to do this anymore, I didn’t want to heartache, I couldn’t do it. I tend to go quiet after our appointment latterly, I don’t know what to say but the only thing I did say was that I give up. Which then lead to Daddy bear and I arguing because he wasn’t ready to give up we haven’t had all the testing done yet we haven’t got all our results we don’t know the whole picture yet so how could I give up. He felt like I was giving up on him and our family. Like I didn’t want to have another baby with him. Which of course wasn’t the case it’s just harder for me and women in general I think. As soon as we get 2 lines on a test we get attached, our body starts to change and we are having a baby. Whereas for men or at least Daddy bear he doesn’t start to get attached until we see a scan (I have early scans around 6 weeks), even though he’s happy and he thinks about the future he doesn’t get overly attached and the more babies we lose the less he even gets excited. So we had an argument about it, I want him to be a little more understanding of where my heads at and he didn’t want to feel like I was giving up on him and our family.
No one is giving up around here, well at least not yet. I just want this to be over. I hope this at least helps 1 couple going through this horrible chapter of life. We can get through this but giving up won’t help us do that. It just sucks…